1999-05-06 - Spring Orgo Night
Reading Room of Butler Library, 11:59P.M
[March in to Roar]
Ladies and Gentlemen, and organic chemistry students, back despite being enhanced and enlarged to the point of extinction, it’s the band that’s not going to take it anymore: The Columbia University Marching Twisted Sister Reunion Tour.
[fanfare]
Featuring:
J. Red Leader - Stay on Target
J. Red Five - I can’t hold it.
J. Red Leader - Stay on Target
J. Red Five - We’re too close.
And J. Red Five - Aaaaaaaaagh!
[fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to spirited, saccharine, strangely antiseptic, sedulous, semi-circular, recently renovated, yet still in need of renovation, College Library, where the shelves are long-lasting, but sadly not the men, and the women are checked out but long overdue. Featuring administrative corruption on the way up, the drop date on the way out, and the reading room only slightly less crowded than usual, the band presents its 29th consecutive, 69th semi-annual drive to lower t he curve in Organic Chemistry while consummating the world’s largest simultaneous Orgo.
[who owns]
As you may know, the band has been a test case for the administration’s much-heralded Enlargement and Enhancement plan, or as we like to call it, Enlargement and En-fuck-ment. So you might look at our immense progress and see what the university as a whole will soon be like. Hmm. {as though thinking about it…} We still sound terrible because we’re not allowed to practice, we’re smaller than we were before, and recent band conversations have focused on how to march in straight lines better, the Linu x operating system, and how many times we are going to see the new Star Wars movie. We’ve become such a collection of geeks that most of us refuse even the comforts of alcohol. None of us has had sex in the past year and a half, not counting our rather unfortunate trip to Dartmouth last fall. On the bright side, one of our young members is still pen-pals with the sheep he fucked. {Drew:} "It wasn’t fucking, it was making love!" On the human front, however, many freshmen now consider sharing a bus seat with a member of the opposite sex "going to third base." The band now forms a canary in a coal mine and plays a sign of things to come.
[Soviet National Anthem]
After all the recent talk of changing the marching band, you may have been wondering if we have developed a sense of decency and good taste. Don’t worry, we haven’t. To prove it to you, we’re now going to make a joke about the tragedy in Littleton, C olorado. Please remember, you’re only allowed to be offended if we make fun of actual, innocent dead people. Otherwise, it’s perfectly okay to laugh. Anyway, the United Artists film studio has removed the new teen slasher film "Idle Hands" fr om theaters throughout Colorado, because the movie bore too much of a resemblance to the tragedy. The local NBC affiliate also announced that it will not show the highly-anticipated TV movie "Atomic Train." When asked whether they made the mov e because the show was too much like the recent murders, a spokesman said, "No, we just thought that those people had already suffered enough." At a press conference, a member of the National Rifle Association said, "Guns don’t kill people , propane bombs kill people." A member of the National Explosives Association said, "Propane bombs don’t kill people, neglectful parents of children who use propane bombs kill people." A spokesperson for the National Neglectful Parents As sociation said, "Parents don’t kill people, the movie The Faculty kills people." The director of The Faculty defended his film, saying that, had shrimp-like aliens been living parasitically within the bodies of the teachers of the school, trying to take over the world, those boys would have been heroes. The band now forms Charlton Heston and plays "Sweet Gun of Mine."
[Sweet Child]
Recently it seems the administration made a sweet little deal with the Volvo company to sponsor the Biosphere II Center out west. Volvo gets brownie points with the environmental movement, and George Rupp gets from 0 – 60 in 8.3 seconds. Asked if it wasn’t a little strange for a car company to sponsor an environmental research center, Rupp took a long drag on his cigarette and responded, "Have you tried the new Newports? They make the College of Physicians and Surgeons come alive with pleasure ." Big changes are in store out in Arizona, however, as Biosphere faculty will now sponsor a class touting the Volvo way to a healthy environment, and scientists will focus their attention on the endangered Swedish fish. Back in New York, the books tore will carry a full selection of Swedish porn, and Music Hum students will study the leitmotif of "Dancing Queen." Wien was planning to offer a new "Swedish Wrap," but the Norwegian Student Organization protested, and the name was changed to the "Viking Wrap." Some things will not change, however, as the new Columbia Varsity luge team will come in last in the Ivy League every year. Though some have criticized the changes, one prospective student was happy with all the c orporate involvement, saying, "I plan to major in Electrical Imagineering, with a concentration in ‘The Great Taste of Frosted Flakes.’" The band now forms a bikini team and plays the Swedish national anthem.
[Havah]
Columbia’s administration recently decided to augment Charles McKim’s neo-Classical campus plan by decorating the ramps of Lerner Hall with oh-so neo-Classical blue neon lights. Lerner architect Bernard Tschumi defended his creation, saying that we sh ould not judge it until we see the animated neon martini glass on the roof along with the neon sign reading "I Love New York/ I Love Newport." Administration officials said they wanted neon and glass block to go for a "Miami" feel for the building, in an attempt to distract students from the bitter cold and the poor educational quality. As one administrator said, "When students see that building, they’ll say, ‘Who cares that I have to sit on the radiator in my classes? I feel l ike I’m at a beach party with Will Smith!’" The Miami flavor seems to be working, as three raft-loads of Barnard students seeking asylum have washed ashore in recent days, and St. A’s coke fiends have been seen around the building looking for a Colo mbian dwarf named Pablo. To go along with the Miami spirit, George Rupp has already traded in his new Volvo for a low-riding 1977 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme with Five-Star Rims and what he termed "fucking incredible" sub-woofers. Barnard Presi dent Judith Schapiro, riding shotgun, chimed in, "Aye Papi." Provost Cole rode bitch. This proved short-lived, however, when the three were pulled over by police because they apparently fit an NYPD profile. The band now gets jiggy with it and plays "Material Girl."
[Material Girl]
You may have noticed that there has been lots of lying going on on campus of late. From "The elevator in Hamilton Hall is perfectly safe" to "Beta supports Take Back the Night," the campus has been abuzz with prevarication. Although some of these lies have always been with us, like "2 IDs to drink," and "I’m on the pill," it’s been getting worse lately, and we in the band think it’s the administration’s fault. For example: "That 80 square foot single in 4 7 Claremont is perfectly livable," or, "The Lion’s Court will be coming down just as soon as Lerner is finished." The problem, we think, is that the administration has a bit of an inferiority complex. Actually, they’ve been exhibiting more Nietzschean ressentiment than the Trench Coat Mafia. {If they boo, say: Hey now, if you don’t understand the joke, you’re not allowed to be offended by it. Plan B: C’mon people, the final’s tomorrow.} Basically, everything they’ve done in the last 5 years can be explained as an attempt to be more Harvard than Harvard, or in other words to say, "Our university has a bigger dick than yours." Hence bland students, a band that actually marches, and Starbucks coffee flowing like water. Sure there’s a place for Allen Ginsberg at the new Columbia…there’s a picture of him next to the cash register at the new Barnes & Noble. And when the administration’s dreams of having a 12-inch cock don’t materialize, they start to lie about it. W e asked our favorite administrator, Dean Yatrakis, an honorary member of the NYPD Street Crimes unit who effectively owns the marching band, what she thought of our theory. She responded, "Enlargement and enhancement hasn’t sacrificed the quality of an education. You people don’t need professors, you need administrators. Why, my penis is among the largest in the Ivy League. It’s already bigger than Yale. I mean Brown. I mean Penn." At this point, she went into a frenzy and became incompre hensible. We asked President Rupp what he thought, but his only comment was, "Freedom is slavery, ignorance is truth, and Columbia is the smallest college in the Ivy League." The band now forms a very, very large penis being forcibly inserted into the student body and plays "I Hear You Knocking, but I spent $120,000 and I’m not coming out until I finish getting raped in here, which by the way, never, ever happens on campus."
[A rape-tastic rendition of Knocking]
And now, for those of you actually taking the Orgo exam tomorrow, here are a few study hints:
Potassium Hydroxide is a flaming base, whereas Elton John is a flaming pianist.
MGBR, or a gringard reagent, will perform a backside attack on an alcohol, whereas Phi Gamma Delta, or Fiji, on alcohol will perform a backside attack on just about anyone.
TNT, or tri-nitro-toluene, destroys old buildings in a wash of flames, whereas TNT, or tri-nitro-toluene, can be used to blow up Low Library. I mean, purely hypothetically. I’m just saying, it could be used to blow up lots of things, like, I d on’t know, Low Library. Or whatever.
A protease inhibitor cocktail can slow the onslaught of AIDS, whereas a Molotov cocktail can slow the onslaught of the NYPD when you’ve taken over Low Library.
Anyway, none of you people go take over Low Library. I mean it. Whatever you do, don’t take over Low Library, and for God’s sake, don’t start a big protest over how your quality of education is deteriorating. I’m serious. Don’t do that. Thank you, and good night.
[March out to Raw]